The Guilt.

I'll never forget the conversation a friend and I had in the car as she was dropping me off after a class at Constance Lethbridge. We had just gotten to know each other and she was a fellow Fibromite herself. She said something like, "...and what about that guilt?" I had never spoken to anyone who understood the tremendous guilt that came with having a chronic pain condition. For ten years or so I had been carrying around the heaviness of that guilt! My condition affected those around me, how could it not? Whether it was being in too much pain to accomplish a task or too tired to help out or my demeanor was less than cheery at times; the guilt was front and center.

I've been a stay at home mom since my oldest was born, so fifteen years give or take. I had always wanted to stay home with my kids and I was lucky enough that my husband's job afforded us the opportunity. Since my husband worked full-time I felt like it was my duty to take on absolutely everything else so I wouldn't appear lazy having chosen to not work outside the house (even though this was obviously a mutual decision). I even inadvertently made up rules for myself that included not watching tv or anything that would lead people to believe that I was in fact idle or worse yet, useless. I set standards for myself that I never shared with anyone else. I was making all of my food from scratch (including but not limited to bread), doing all the family budgeting, keeping on top of all the emails/meetings, doing homework with the kids, volunteering at the kid's school, tackling laundry, planning vacations and outings for our family, keeping in touch with both sides of the family all while keeping our home spotlessly clean! Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that any of these things are inherently bad or even that most moms don't take on all of this (and sometimes more). What was problematic was there was never a conversation with my husband or family about whether doing everything except working outside the home should be my responsibility. I set standards for myself and adhered to them like glue! Over time I became progressively more and more fatigued and maybe even a little resentful. I felt like I was on 24/7 and guilt would overcome me if I felt like I needed a break. I apologized for going out for lunch with a friend. Apologized to whom you may be asking? Out loud I'd apologize to my husband who would then say, "why are you saying sorry?". Mostly I'd apologize to myself because I felt like taking time out for myself when I already needed more help than the average person was selfish. These were unhelpful thoughts and it took until fairly recently to realize that I needed to make changes.

Guilt is a tough one. It was been a tough one for me. Having a chronic pain condition means that my life is unpredictable. One day I feel great and can go for a nice long hike with my family and another day I can be willing myself just to walk around the house. There's not always a rhyme or reason and it can be complicated to try to explain to other people. That's where the spoon theory could come in handy and you can read more about that here. Coming to peace with the fact that I didn't have control over how my body felt most of the time helped to restore self-compassion. In turn it has allowed me to be kinder to myself. Actually I believe that it's in those really trying times; the times where your body is in a tremendous amount of pain and stuff is piling up around you, that you need to practice the most self-compassion. A wise social worker at Constance Lethbridge once told us that we should treat ourselves the same way that we'd treat our best friend. We wouldn't guilt our best friend into things or tell them that they're less than because they're in pain so why do it to ourselves? Once you start showing yourself the same amount of compassion as you would to someone you love, the guilt starts to take a backseat. Focus on all of the things that you CAN do or the person that you ARE as a friend, lover or family member. These are the things to focus on when pain is getting the better of you.

It's a work in progress for me. Feelings of inadequacy creep back up and I have to remind myself that I am enough. I am capable of kindness, empathy and love. I deserve to receive kindness, empathy and love. And so do you.